My soulmate is a married man...

My carefully built illusion of what my love life would look like came crashing down when I realised the person I think is my soulmate is married, and not to me.

Sometimes when I think really hard I could still hear the sound my heart made when it broke and fell all over my feet. That is because I had a very clear idea of what my soul mate would be like, and then when you find all the things you want in a person and they are not available or even an option, it tends to put a real damper on things.

I am usually very direct, with others and with myself, and my desires reflect that, which is good. It is a little bit more peaceful in your head when your thoughts and secret desires are aligned to a greater degree. So, what I want is to be with someone who will leave me alone most of the time, especially when I need it. I don't do very well with constant close contact and smothering, because it makes me feel guilty when I cannot return the sentiment right away, or ever. Does not mean I don't care about you, it just means I need more space than most people.

I want to be attracted to someone, to the extent I think about giving them the zero self-respect kind of head or think about jumping their bones occasionally. Sexual attraction is rare for me, so when that happens, I sit up and pay attention.

I feel very safe with them, which is important, and definitely not helping the crush situation. Feeling safe with someone you like/are dating/seeing/banging is important. This is not physical safety alone. It is also mental and emotional safety. I feel comfortable spending time with them in whatever situation we are in, whether talking or working or just hanging out.

I thoroughly enjoy talking with them, I am the kind of person who asks gazillion questions about anything and everything, and will talk your ears off about things I know a lot of, showing off a little bit, and/or a new interest. Having someone who is genuinely interested in what I think about things, answers my endless questions, thinks I am smart and funny and dig my sarcasm? yeah, that is the stuff my soulmate/crush has, in spades. Let me just call him a soulmate for now, OK? They are also smart, witty, quick and knowledgable so naturally, I like talking to them, and whenever something happens during the day, they are usually among the first people who cross my mind because I imagine their reaction to things, which is usually top tier.

I also want to give them things. I am naturally pretty selfish and a huge hoarder. I hoard my thoughts, emotions and even things. So when I found that I was willing to part with things, thoughts, words and expressions of feelings that are precious to me, just so I could see their faces and reactions to things, I knew I was in deep sh*t.

Another plausible explanation could be that I just have a humongous and highly inconvenient crush on a married man and I don't know what to do with myself. I do tend to blow things out of proportion in my mind, like calling a crush a soulmate, but who can blame me when they feel exactly the same.

I don't see them often so that is a point of relief for me, as well as the fact that I would rather die than start a thing with a married man.

I come from a family that was broken by infidelity, so I am intimately familiar with the kind of pain and heartbreak that can cause, so the only recourse I have right now is to ride the rollercoaster of the warmth that comes from thinking about them and being around them, and feeling like a clueless virgin teenage girl going through her first crush, and hope I come out of it a little bit more experienced and calmer of mind. I can only hope.